i couldnt tell you where he came from..
i have no idea how he ended up here.. in front of me..
its beyond me to tell you how his path lead him this direction..
and i dont even want to question it.
All i know is the second i let go of everything that ever hurt me
He magically appeared..
and terrifying at the same time..
…and here we are again.. having the same conversation
the same one where you try to convince me that your heart has matured and you found the fault in your ways..
that you have grown up
that the cheat you put upon my heart was the biggest mistake you ever made
3 years ago that wouldve meant the world to me..
but ive grown up too..
So much time has gone by..
you pushed me away year after year
each time you try to reel me back in im a bit further than you remembered tossing me
ive learned to swim
ive learned so many other ways to stay afloat..
ive meet people whom have shown me ways & means
I remember there were times where your very existance made me speechless
you were my beautiful
but beauty fades with the fowl decisions you made and your lost soul took over
ive dug deep trying to find that love that i left somewhere in the past for you
i wish this story was more like a movie
but i cant remember where i left my feelings to continue on with this plot.
what was supposed to be a fairytale has now become my life documented
the fall, the discovery, the come up
my heart has wondered into the abyss
i have no control over the love it now chooses to follow
it has felt warmth again with another
it has also been scraped up from the mishandling by unsuspected thieves..
but truth be told
life moved on
its no longer yours
and im sorry..
im sorry that i couldnt wait around till you decided that it was time
till you discovered that i was the one
till you figured out you gave up on the only one who was there
but im not sorry
im not sorry for discovering the woman that i am
that i discovered what i want from a man and getting what i long for
im not sorry for anything that iam now
or anything i have gone through
and im not sorry for any decision my heart will have for me
Im not sorry for taking my heart back
he asked me “do you remember the ware house” and i was so confused by the question i didnt know how to respond..
he said “it was the first time we ever met” over a year ago..
my heart sunk
he remembered.. i didnt think it even struck a note with him..
I remember that night so clear..
I remember leaving with a feeling so unfamiliar but i knew that it was pure
Ive seen you around for so long and all i ever wanted to do was be in your view..
and now iam..
and i still cant even fathom the idea..
Our exchanges of sweetness to the passings of hurt feelings every now and again..
This thing might fail but that possibility of winning your heart is still lurking in the depths of my mind.. i cant help but continue this curiousity..
you are something that has me mesmerized..
I forever want to be in your mind but i know that iam not
you have made your life decisions very clear to me since the first time we spent together
the idea of you being only mine is just that.
i put my heart in jeapordy each and every time that i spend with you
one day its content and so full of lust and the next i seem to lose the other half on the floor of the bar where i saw you with someone else..
you know when my heart is hurt.. and i know that i have no place to say anything for you are not mine..
but you still find it in you to make sure that my being is ok
i wonder how many others feelings you have to check up on..
and when my mind begins to sink into these thoughts of you with someone else..
of you not caring.. of you just using my heart..
i run from you and i hide.. you try to contact me
but im suddenly so far into hiding that you have no idea where ive disappeared to and you get the hint
we go time and time again with no spoken words to each other.. no viewings..
but everytime.. each and everytime that our paths cross
my heart beats a little bit faster.. i forget how to speak in sentences that make any sense.. my cheeks turn red and i suddenly feel intoxicated
and im right back to where we left off..
I dont remember ever feeling this way..
I cant recall the last time someone has ever had the control..
Im not really sure who im fooling..
I build myself up only to remember that this will never work
No matter how bad i want it, no matter how perfect this may be, no matter how much my heart aches for it..
Theres something that holds me back from chasing such needs..
Something thats beyond me..
So im sorry to waste precious times and the maybe real interest that mightve been..
but im not really sure who im fooling
cuz this will never work..
I wonder whats missing from my life.. from my soul..
and i remember that i need to write..
all thats bottled up the things i cant tell friends
the things i cant find the tears to let release the struggle..
i need to write it out…
i need words to exit my soul and carry out any and every greviance that my small frame is holding in..
often times the emotions are bigger than me, weighing me down and causing me to be someone im not..
taking over my everything..
i need to write.
I need to write to breathe more easily, rest more peacefully, think without limits, love without judgment..
I need to write to document my growth, my downfalls, my lessons, my experiences, the ones i love, the ones i fell outta love with, the dumb crushes and the stupid games that played me, the amazing nights i wish never ended and the stressful days that felt like they would never end..
the days where the clouds poured out tears and left me feeling lonelier than ever and those sunny days where the sun blessed me and made my heart feel fuller than the greatest love i thought i ever felt…
i need to write..
i need to write to remember those simple tastes of life, those kisses that left me feeling so lucky to be a woman, those musical experiences that spoke to my soul and made me greatful to have such hips to sway..
i need to remember when my heart broke at 19.. and at 21..
oh and at 23..
i need to remember at 24 when i cried so hard and fell to the ground begging to be lifted up and found the strength to get myself up, stitch up my own wounds and carry on stronger than ever..
i need to remember 25 cuz right now its feeling like the best age yet..
i need to write to remember that this is my story..
i need to write.
i just need to write.
[ to be continued… ]
For the most part I dont need anyone when it comes to getting by.. i rely on myself to get me through.. but at times like these.. with news like this.. the world scares me so bad.. a world, a universe that i, for the most part, find so beautiful and give many thanks to for the oppurtunity to be here.. it scares me just as much.. Its times like these that i feel so small and so helpless.. so defenseless.. i now understand why people run to their significant others at times and feelings like this to the be their strength.. to be their guard their shield when the the world starts to take a turn in their eyes.. when no matter how much you tell yourself things are okay, things will be okay, youll be fine no longer work and you, for once, need someone whose stronger than you to tell you that and to mean it.. Those moments when you just need to hide away and shield your eyes from the world, i now understand why the arms of a significant other can become the comforting feel of protection and shelter from harm.
I find myself so tired of social networks lately.. actually of people in general sometimes… Theres nothing more annoying to me then someone who complains constantly about their lives.. yet all they do is use the term “me, me, me” or “look at me look at me”.. and you wonder why your life is the way it is.. maybe if for once you didnt just think about yourself.. or talk about yourself.. or try to bring attention to yourself.. theres other things in life ya kno? like friends.. family.. experiences.. but you miss out on all that because your only concerned with yourself.. you would rather post selfies instead of enjoying real life time with friends.. you would rather complain about your personal life problems on fb instead of finding an answer in real life to fix the problem so you wont have to vent on fb.. the world does not revolve around us thank god for that.. theres so much out there and if people would just stop with the “me me me” they would notice it, they would attract more people to their lives.. no body wants to be around self centered people 24/7.. we all have moments and are entitled to them.. but come on! dont make it a habit! you have no one to blame but yourself for pushing people away but honestly what do you need friends for if the only thing you care to talk about is yourself?
Id rather be making memories with friends, listening to them and sharing times with them then only living inside my own head.. id rather have memories then material.. id rather have love over anything..
The Sun will rise and set regardless. What we choose to do with the light while it’s here is up to us. Journey wisely