Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.
He’s not perfect. You aren’t either, and the two of you will never be perfect. But if he can make you laugh at least once, causes you to think twice, and if he admits to being human and making mistakes, hold onto him and give him the most you can. He isn’t going to quote poetry, he’s not thinking about you every moment, but he will give you a part of him that he knows you could break. Don’t hurt him, don’t change him, and don’t expect for more than he can give. Don’t analyze. Smile when he makes you happy, yell when he makes you mad, and miss him when he’s not there. Love hard when there is love to be had. Because perfect guys don’t exist, but there’s always one guy that is perfect for you.
I couldn’t tell you why I feel the need to push everything away… I know when something is good in front of me.. I know when its not.. but I treat them equally just the same.. why is that? I’m so used to fighting I don’t know how not to. I’m so used to losing I honestly don’t know what it feels like to win.. you must be what that feels like.. so why cant I accept it? its all I ever wanted.. you might be all I’ve ever wanted. yet I test you.. I make you mad.. I pick apart any little thing and turn it into the most unnecessary drama.. but why.. why.. and one of these days you’re going to walk away and you wont come back and then ill realize what I’ve done when its too late.. if I know this now.. why do I still do this? why am I being the typical woman? when I know I have far more to offer than my insecurities, I have so much heart, love and genuine well being.. He’s not my past.. he has nothing to do with it yet I make him suffer for it? how does that even make any sense? I deserve the best of everything yet I play the victim and act like I’m not good enough for it.. when did I reach this mind set? and why is this so common a feeling amongst women? when did this become normal? to not trust, believe, or feel secure.. I wish I knew how to fix myself overnight before I wake up in the morning and its too late..
i couldnt tell you where he came from..
i have no idea how he ended up here.. in front of me..
its beyond me to tell you how his path lead him this direction..
and i dont even want to question it.
All i know is the second i let go of everything that ever hurt me
He magically appeared..
and terrifying at the same time..
…and here we are again.. having the same conversation
the same one where you try to convince me that your heart has matured and you found the fault in your ways..
that you have grown up
that the cheat you put upon my heart was the biggest mistake you ever made
3 years ago that wouldve meant the world to me..
but ive grown up too..
So much time has gone by..
you pushed me away year after year
each time you try to reel me back in im a bit further than you remembered tossing me
ive learned to swim
ive learned so many other ways to stay afloat..
ive meet people whom have shown me ways & means
I remember there were times where your very existance made me speechless
you were my beautiful
but beauty fades with the fowl decisions you made and your lost soul took over
ive dug deep trying to find that love that i left somewhere in the past for you
i wish this story was more like a movie
but i cant remember where i left my feelings to continue on with this plot.
what was supposed to be a fairytale has now become my life documented
the fall, the discovery, the come up
my heart has wondered into the abyss
i have no control over the love it now chooses to follow
it has felt warmth again with another
it has also been scraped up from the mishandling by unsuspected thieves..
but truth be told
life moved on
its no longer yours
and im sorry..
im sorry that i couldnt wait around till you decided that it was time
till you discovered that i was the one
till you figured out you gave up on the only one who was there
but im not sorry
im not sorry for discovering the woman that i am
that i discovered what i want from a man and getting what i long for
im not sorry for anything that iam now
or anything i have gone through
and im not sorry for any decision my heart will have for me
Im not sorry for taking my heart back
he asked me “do you remember the ware house” and i was so confused by the question i didnt know how to respond..
he said “it was the first time we ever met” over a year ago..
my heart sunk
he remembered.. i didnt think it even struck a note with him..
I remember that night so clear..
I remember leaving with a feeling so unfamiliar but i knew that it was pure
Ive seen you around for so long and all i ever wanted to do was be in your view..
and now iam..
and i still cant even fathom the idea..
Our exchanges of sweetness to the passings of hurt feelings every now and again..
This thing might fail but that possibility of winning your heart is still lurking in the depths of my mind.. i cant help but continue this curiousity..
you are something that has me mesmerized..
I forever want to be in your mind but i know that iam not
you have made your life decisions very clear to me since the first time we spent together
the idea of you being only mine is just that.
i put my heart in jeapordy each and every time that i spend with you
one day its content and so full of lust and the next i seem to lose the other half on the floor of the bar where i saw you with someone else..
you know when my heart is hurt.. and i know that i have no place to say anything for you are not mine..
but you still find it in you to make sure that my being is ok
i wonder how many others feelings you have to check up on..
and when my mind begins to sink into these thoughts of you with someone else..
of you not caring.. of you just using my heart..
i run from you and i hide.. you try to contact me
but im suddenly so far into hiding that you have no idea where ive disappeared to and you get the hint
we go time and time again with no spoken words to each other.. no viewings..
but everytime.. each and everytime that our paths cross
my heart beats a little bit faster.. i forget how to speak in sentences that make any sense.. my cheeks turn red and i suddenly feel intoxicated
and im right back to where we left off..
I dont remember ever feeling this way..
I cant recall the last time someone has ever had the control..